Friday, July 30, 2004

12.5-cent Coke update

So apparently the two-for-one Diet Coke deal has been going on for some time. The other day a guy was telling somebody buying a Diet Pepsi she should get a Diet Coke because of the bonus-drink glitch.

The fridge next to the generous machine is filled with Diet Coke cans, so I'm obviously not the only one enjoying the bonus.

Another guy said he heard the Coke guy on the phone telling somebody about the problem, but so far no change.

But now I feel completely absolved. Everybody does it ... It's been going on forever ... And the Coke guys don't seem to care enough to fix it.

Ethics test, my ass.

Wednesday, July 28, 2004

Let the record show ...

So I fired up NCAA Football 2005 last night and checked out the "Historic Teams". What do you know? Both the 2003 LSU Tigers and 2003 USC Trojans were among them.

I couldn't resist playing my National Champion Tigers against the mythical (as in "not real") "National Champion" Trojans. I couldn't figure out how to set the venue as the Superdome to mimic the Sugar Bowl the Trojans would have played in if they didn't have such a weak schedule, so I opted for a home-and-home series.

In Baton Rouge I beat USC 28-21. Not bad, considering this was the very first game I'd played and I had to get used to some new features and controls. Then in Pasadena we had a rematch - I won 52-0, holding the Trojans to under 60 yards of total offense.

Take THAT, Associated Press.

Tuesday, July 27, 2004

When the wife's away ...

The wife is off this morning on a business trip. Fortunately, I have a brand-new mistress to keep me entertained.

Her name is NCAA Football 2005.

Thursday, July 22, 2004

July 22, 1864

[editor's note: Cap'n Ken has attempted to write the following piece, concerning a subject - history - that most people find very dull and boring, in a way that you won't find dull and boring. Please bear with us.]

Today is the 140th anniversary of The Battle of Atlanta. For those of you not intimately familiar with Civil War stuff, "The Battle of Atlanta" refers to the engagement that took place in and around East Atlanta (the broader fight for the city is called "The Atlanta Campaign").

Somewhere around 5,000 - 10,000 men died within a mile of my house on that day. Think about that for a second. We've lost about 900 soldiers in just over a year in Iraq.

In a very real sense, The Battle of Atlanta was the final turning point in the Civil War. If the Yankees had been turned back, chances are Lincoln wouldn't have been re-elected in November and all those New Jersey refugees now living in Alpharetta would have to be here on passports and work visas.

As is typical here in Atlanta, nearly all of the landmarks of the battle have been paved over. "Bald Hill", which was the focal point of the battle, is now the intersection of I-20 and Moreland Avenue, and the scene depicted in Grant Park's famous Cyclorama happened at what is now DeKalb Avenue near Moreland.

The key fight in the battle happened basically at the Flatiron (Flat Shoals and Glenwood), and the spot where Union General George McPherson (the highest ranking officer to be killed during the war) was shot dead is now the intersection of McPherson and Monument Avenues. I guess old George should have realized something was wrong when he saw the McPherson/Monument street sign.

If you dig deep (and I have), you can ferret out a good bit of detail on the whats and wheres of the battle. A couple of cool things that I've found:


This is a piece of a map produced for the 100th anniversary of The Atlanta Campaign, showing the positions and movements of the armies (red are the good guys, blue are the Yankees) overlayed on a modern street map. The shaded area is the main portion of The Battle of Atlanta. I guess you have to know something about East Atlanta for this to be significant to you.


This is General Sherman surveying the battlefield after the fighting was done. I'm pretty sure this is at the Union works on Bald Hill. General Sherman, it should be noted, was the first president of LSU. Geaux Tigers.

I don't really have much of a point in writing about this, other than to observe the anniversary and note the significance of what happened here 140 years ago.

Class dismissed. You can go back to reading about Michael Jackson's quadruplets now.

Tuesday, July 20, 2004

I just had to try it

After a week of getting two Diet Cokes for a quarter in TNIJ breakroom, my curiousity got the best of me. Was I simply exploiting some kind of Coke-machine programming error (and, as Robin puts it, failing my first ethics test), or is the company sending a subtle message out that they prefer you to purchase non-sugared beverages?

So this afternoon I fed a quarter into the Pepsi machine that sits next to the magical two-for-a-quarter Coke machine and pushed the Diet Pepsi button.

And I got .... one Diet Pepsi.

I guess that shoots the "we encourage employees to drink diet beverages through the use of a subtle rewards program" theory to hell.

Sunday, July 18, 2004

Bear hunting is legal, right?

I experienced BJs this weekend (always a good time ...), and I came very close to not buying Charmin to fulfill our bathroom tissue needs.
 
Why? Three words:
 
THOSE FUCKING BEARS!
 
Maybe you have no idea what I'm talking about. So let me catch you up ...
 
Some time ago, Charmin introduced a new ad campaign featuring these cartoon bears backed by this obnoxious jingle that goes something like "Hey little fella, gotta change your touch ... what you thought was enough, might be too much ... it's more cushiony than ever before ... Charmin Ultra, less is more." If you care to, you can torture yourself with the song online. See the link below.
 
I first heard that jingle on Sirius without the visual of the cartoon bears, and just the song itself drove me nuts. Then the wife went off one morning when the commercial came on CNN.
 
Then I pick up a pack of Charmin at BJs, and what's on the package? The little Charmin baby? No. The big, stupid cartoon bears.
 
[editor's note: I always thought it was strange that Charmin used babies on their packaging, considering that babies don't know how to use toilet paper. In fact, if babies did know how to use toilet paper, I might have one by now.]
 
Worse yet, the big, stupid cartoon bears are trying to tell me how much toilet paper I should use. Look, Yogi, I bought this fucking toilet paper, and I'll use as much as I damn well please. If I want to dry myself off after a shower with fucking toilet paper, that's my damn business.
 
It's enough to make a man buy Angel Soft (except that Charmin feel sooooooooooo good).
 
Click the link below to hear the Charmin Bear Indoctrination Song for yourself. NOTE: Cap'n Ken's Homespun Wisdom is not responsible for irritability, anger, physical pain or emotional scarring which may be associated with listening to this jingle. Consult your physician before listening.
 
Charmin Bear Indoctrination Song

Friday, July 16, 2004

For my readers back at TWMBIC

OK, so I'm finding out that pretty much everybody at TWMBIC reads The Wisdom. Only a couple of people told me this when I worked there, but now I've learned that a ton of people there read it, and have been readers since back in the day when I used to write a lot about TWMBIC.
 
Of course, back when I got threatened with disciplinary action for my writings (the only thing they could come up with as a "violation" was that I once mentioned the name of an advertiser - even though I have never mentioned the actual name of TWMBIC), I killed all of my old TWMBIC posts.
 
Then at my going-away thing, one of the bigwigs fessed up to loving my piece about "feet casserole" and generally thinking my TWMBIC observations were hilarious. Another guy there made a reference to "The World's Most Boring Internet Company", so I guess he's a reader, too.
 
But the absolute best thing is that I now know that the biggest tool of all TWMBIC was reading The Wisdom back when I was mocking him with such joy. And apparently he lobbied to have me fired for it.
 
AAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA!
 
I'm not quite enough of a jackass to re-introduce all of the details that make Mr. Tool so easily identifiable among TWMBIC employees (email Cap'n Ken if you're really curious), but for the record:
 
- You are, in fact, a tool. And everybody there thinks so. 
- During a conversation with a bigwig, I once referred to you as "a dangerous combination of arrogance and ignorance", and that notion was not disputed. 
- People make fun of you - regularly - behind your back.
 
I also, through my vast network of industry sources, got wind of some pretty interesting hush-hush developments going on at TWMBIC. I'm not at liberty to disclose anything ... but the future may be very interesting.

As if 25-cent Cokes weren't good enough

So I'm pretty well settled in at TNIJ now. I got the "toss you into the deep end" treatment, which I think is a good thing.
 
And, as loyal readers of The Wisdom know, one of the big benefits of TNIJ is 25-cent Cokes (comparable beverages at TWMBIC are 65 cents).
 
For some reason, it seems, the Coke Gods are smiling upon me. In the machine closest to my desk, every time I drop a quarter in to get me a Diet Coke, the machine spits out two cans. That's right - 12.5-cent Cokes.
 
I was in there one day with a guy who works on my team and watched him get a Fanta Orange. One quarter = one can. Then I dropped my quarter in ... and got the bonus DC. Maybe the company is trying to promote low-cal sodas by offering up the bonus diets.
 
Who knows?

Tuesday, July 13, 2004

Night crawlers

Notice to Friends of the Cap'n in the metro Atlanta area (and Daniella, Scott, Pierre, etc. if y'all want to fly in ...) - next Saturday is the annual East Atlanta Pub Crawl.

Ostensibly a celebration of the anniversary of The Battle of Atlanta (an important historical anniversary for East Atlanta, of course), the B*ATL event really centers around a night of excessive drinking at The EARL, The Flatiron and Gravity Pub. We shut the district down last year.

So, if you don't get a personal invite from The Cap'n, consider this your notice. There's plenty of bed and floor space at Casa Ken/Kara for the hardcore among you.

Event site.

Monday, July 12, 2004

While you were out ...

I'd put a hold on our mail while we were down on the coast, with a request to deliver all the stuff today when we got back.

So I just went out and wrestled the stack of very important correspondence out of the mailbox. It included:

• 16 credit card offers
• 9 sale circulars
• 7 pieces of actual mail
• 5 magazines
• 3 catalogs
• 2 of those newsprint "coupon" things I never read
• 1 check from TWMBIC for the 90 hours of vacation time they owed me

Obviously, the check was the best of the bunch. But 16 credit card offers in 7 mail-delivery days? I guess when you check the mail every day, you don't notice how many offers you get.

I figure the postal service delivers mail something like 310 days a year, which would mean at this rate I get 708 credit card offers a year. If each of those offers threw out a $5,000 credit limit, that's $3.5 million worth of credit I could get my hands on in a year.

Hmm. Maybe the wife and I shouldn't pin those hopes on the lottery. We could gather up the credit cards and charge our way to prosperity.

I guess my dissatisfaction wasn't hard to see ...

I got this email from a fellow ex-TWMBIC employee after he'd been told I'd packed up for greener pastures:
"Glad to see you left [TWMBIC]. I was definitely shocked with the way they squandered your talents. It probably was a good 'between jobs' assignment."

In my final days at TWMBIC, I got some "I hate to see you go" comments, some "Wow, this seems like a great opportunity" chatter and some "Well, I guess you needed to make a move" stuff (from people who thought I'd only been unhappy since the boneheads in charge destroyed our business group about a month ago).

But nobody captured the proper mood ("Glad to see you left ...") or seemingly picked up so well on the squandering of my talent as this guy - and he left the company a year or so ago.

So thanks, fellow ex-TWMBICer. It's nice to be appreciated as being underappreciated.

Wednesday, July 07, 2004

Since I have access to someone else's high-speed connection

Here, in case you were wondering, is what the BBD looks like when he's suffering from explosive bowel syndrome:



And this - believe it or not - is what he looks like when he's starting to feel better:



We call this pose "The Alligator."

The network Gods are smiling upon us

Cranking up the laptop to upload the latest batch of beach photos (look for a piece on our swank new digital camera later), I got a Windows notification that a wireless connection was available, so I'm coming at you courtesy of "sanpebble".

Not that I really have much to say. We went over to Apalachicola today and enjoyed a damn fine lunch at Boss Oyster, which came recommended from my ex-cube neighbor C-Note. They make baked oysters (no, we didn't go raw) about 25 different ways and serve up this sweet little fritters of cream corn. No, we're not sure how they manage to fry blobs of cream corn.

The BBD's explosive bowel syndrome has gone away, although now he's sick on the can of peanuts he and the Little Black Dog broke into while we were out watching the sunset.

The adventure continues ...

Tuesday, July 06, 2004

Life's a beach

Our planned trip to the raw bar in Indian Pass tonight is on hold, thanks to a bad case of explosive diarrhea being suffered by the Big Brown Dog. It seems he's swallowing too much sea water while playing fetch in the surf. It's hard to keep him out of the water, though, considering this is all he does when we try to get him to just hang out on the deck:



Of course, the last time the wife and I ate raw oysters, we developed symptoms not unlike what the BBD is suffering now, so maybe skipping the raw bar isn't such a bad thing.

Monday, July 05, 2004

Cap'n on the coast

For you readers of the wife's blog who've found your way to The Wisdom trying to figure out where she's gone, I've taken her away to the beach. It's a week of R&R before I begin the new job.

We've got a week of basking in this sunset:



But an escape to the remote parts of the Florida gulf coast comes with sacrifice. We discovered we have no cell service, and even though I'm connecting through a (dial-up) number that's about 30 miles away, it's a long-distance call. We knew we'd be living a week without a TiFaux or wireless DSL Internet, but this is damned primitive, ain't it?

Friday, July 02, 2004

"It depends on what the meaning of the word 'killing' is"

Did this video:



Remind anybody else of this video:



?