Sunday, February 01, 2004

Party of one

My Super Bowl Sunday is so boring (still waiting for the wife to get home from NashVegas), I'm going to pass some time by giving the CKHW take on Super Bowl commercials (at least the ones that come on in the first couple of hours) and other things I see during the game that amuse me.

I'm guessing the "Super Bowl" commercials start in the 6:00 hour, so I'll start there.

• California Cheese - Cows taking a "shower" in the pasture's sprinklers make the bulls go "yowsah". Yawn. And "Happy Cows Come From California"? With a $40 billion state debt, I don't even think the bovines are happy out there right now.

• Taco Bell Club Chalupa - Yet another take on the "young kids in a car do funny things" theme. They get to the Bell and party down on some Chalupas. Again - yawn.

• Ford, with the GT40. Yes, that's a hell of a car. Is that what they're selling?

• Tostitos Scoops - Guys at a wedding end up watching football. OK, that does happen. I was at a wedding in Louisiana the day of the first-ever Saints playoff game, and somebody actually rolled a TV into the main reception area. The punchline of this commercial - the wife digs it and joins in. Since they're selling corn chips, I'll give them credit for a good shot.

• McDonald's - Middle-aged man asked to do laundry by his wife; accidentally throws used McDonald's burger wrapper in the dryer instead of a dryer sheet. Later, his wife is wearing a shirt which was in the dryer and now smells of McDonald's burger grease. This turns him on. They have sex. I guess for McDonald's, this is better than trying to say their food is good.

• Orange Juice - The commercial doesn't just consist of a voice saying "ORANGE JUICE IS GOOD FOR YOU, DAMMIT!", but it might as well have. The OJ people are pissed at Dr. Atkins, and they are fighting back.

• Back at the game ... and some flavor-of-the-month pop singer boy is singing "his new release" in honor of the dead astronauts. Anytime you can couple a heartfelt tribute to fallen heroes with an opportunity to pitch your new record, I guess that's a win-win. Tom Brady doesn't look to happy to be having to sit through this before the game.

• Damn, Beyonce's singing. Nothing wrong with that.

• The first Bud Light ad is some artsy thing that seems remotely a hip-hop play. I don't drink Bud.

• The Muppets and Jessica Simpson pushing Pizza Hut. Not particularly interesting, but nothing's hotter in 2004 than Jessica and The Muppets.

• Jesus, the coin toss alone is running about 15 minutes. Throw it, already! At least they have an LSU guy (Y.A. Tittle) tossing it.

• Back to the Ford story. Showing the GT in action. How the hell much do you figure that thing costs? Pretty sharp, and they did a good job of capturing the essence of the old GT-40. P.S. Google says $140,000.

• Cool, a fight on the opening kickoff.

• 4th down for the Pats, and a field goal try. Snapping, of course, LSU grad and Bible-class teacher Brian Kinchen. Snap looked OK, kick was not.

• Bud Light II - One guy's dog is trained to fetch beers, another guy's dog is trained to bite the first guy in the nuts to get beer. Not bad, but this kind of thing is getting old, no?

• FedEx - An evil alien works in an office, wearing a little paper human mask. His co-workers are pissed that he's an alien and try to expose him, but because his mask says "why don't we use FedEx?" he's a hero in the boss' eye. I like this one; inventive and unexpected.

• Dodge - A guy has a monkey on his back (literally) because he has a monkey on his back (figuratively) because he's trying to find a family car that's cool. The monkey comes off when he buys this new Dodge wagonish thing, which looks like a smashed Durango. Lame.

• A promo for the Janet Jackson halftime show. Editor's Note: The Janet Jackson halftime show will not be viewed by me. I'll use that time to catch up the DVR.

• Pepsi - A bear gets in to a cabin and eats stuff in the fridge. He doesn't have anything to drink, so he dresses like the burly cabin owner and buys Pepsi with a forged check. See, the man is burly, so the bear looks like him. Weak. And enough with the animals, already.

• Schick 4-blade razor. Not a new commercial. But I like to mock it whenever it comes on. The guy's saying "two blades ... three blades, it had to stop, right? WRONG!!!" See, they have four blades on their razor. Impressive. The thing I really like is at the end of the commercial where he says "It stops here." Why? If 3 is good and 4 is better, why not 5? or 18?

• AOL - I think these are the American Chopper guys. I hear that's a popular show, but I can't imagine why.

• Back to the game - Pats punting. Good snap, Brian.

• Van Helsing (a movie) - Looks too much like it's tailored for the LOTR crowd. No thanks.

• Bud Light III - A big black guy getting a bikini wax. I think he's somebody "famous", but I don't know who he is. Should I be proud or ashamed?

• The Brad Pitt Gladiator movie - I hear he plays Achilles and actually hurt his achilles tendon during filming. That's funny.

• H&R Block - It's about a Willie Nelson doll that gives advice. And H&R Block's advice is better. I hope so, given Willie's IRS troubles. Is this supposed to be making fun of his tax problems? I suppose so. Willie's old, so I guess he doesn't care that he's being made to look like an idiot.

• Chevy Avail - It's a tiny car that attracts the hip-hop crowd and is apparently very huge inside, as they show shots of the dudes playing basketball looking tiny inside. If it really was big inside, they wouldn't have to create an effect that makes it look big, now would they?

• Another Pats punt ... low snap! Damn, Brian. Focus, man.

• Another movie commercial. Something with Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore. I don't go see movies.

• Bud - A referee can take the heat from a coach yelling at him because his wife is a raging bitch. I guess that's the Bud target market - guys whose lives are so miserable they have to buy cheap American beer because they drink so much.

• Monster.com - Love this one. A non-dialogue commercial showing the parallel lives of an interviewer and an interviewee on the day of the interview. Apparently they're a match, so I guess the guy got the job. Stylish, great music, and no bears or monkeys.

• End of the first quarter. Scoreless.

• Sierra Mist - A Scottish dude gets liquid nitrogen up his kilt and onto his balls, and that is like drinking Sierra Mist. Classy. Is that Steve Buscemi's voice?

• The hockey movie - Eh, I know how it ends.

• Mike Ditka for Levitra, whatever that is. But you should see your doctor about it. I guess it's a dick-hard pill.

• Another punt for the Pats. Good snap, Brian.

• Bud, the Clydesdale. A donkey wants to be a Bud Clydesdale, but he's just an ass. But he makes it, which makes me wonder about the standards of Budweiser. I guess that's to be expected with cheap American beer.

• An Alamo movie - I know how it ends, too.

• Pepsi / iTunes - Great spot. "I Fought The Law" is playing (is that Green Day?), and they have an actual girl who was sued for downloading music saying "we're still going to download music free". Because Pepsi is giving away 100 million iTunes downloads. See, that's what an ad should be. It's funny, it's original, and there's a clear message behind it. Good job. It's my favorite so far.

• Ditka again for the Levitra challenge. How I am supposed to know if it might be "right for me" if you don't tell me what it does?

• Mitsubishi Galant - An accident-avoidance test against a Camry. Dudes in a truck throwing all manner of shit at both cars, with Ballroom Blitz in the background. Then they send cars down at them, there's a big mess and the commercial ends, prompting me to see what happens at, appropriately enough, seewhathappens.com. I think I shall. Good spot. P.S. Mitsubishi is not equipped to handle the traffic on that site. I can't get the commercial to load. How about seewhathappensbutnotrightnowbecauseeverybodyisboredwiththescorelesssuperbowl.com?

• Bud Light IV - A couple taking a snowy carriage ride in a park. The woman is given a candle; the horse farts and creates a blowtorch. Crude, but clever. But mostly crude.

• Anti-smoking ad.

• Charmin - A QB likes the feel of his center's ass, because for some reason he has Charmin hanging out of his pants. Also not a new commercia.

• Another field goal try for the Pats ... good snap, Brian ... but blocked.

• Starsky & Hutch movie - I damned loved Starsky & Hutch when I was a kid. Normally, I'd hate to see a movie re-make, but Ben Stiller, Owen Wilson and Snoop Dogg at Huggy Bear? Sweet. I may even see this one in the theater.

• Pepsi - A black guy in a diner, I'm not sure if I'm supposed to know who he is. But he's in love with the fat waitress because of the Pepsi. So-so.

• IBM / Linux - A little Eminen kid is watching Muhammed Ali on TV (the "I shook up the world!!" thing), then the real Muhammed appears to tell the kid to shake up the world, apparently with Linux. I like it, but will it appeal to the bear-buying-beer / flaming horse fart crowd?

• Touchdown Pats, after Cajun Man fumbled. And now the extra point ... good snap, Brian. And the kick was good, finally.

• Visa - Chicks playing ice volleyball. I like it so far ... The hook is "can't wait for the summer Olympics ... neither can we." OK spot, with bonus points for the chicks playing volleyball.

• Johnny Depp movie - Secret Window. OK.

• Chevy car/truck retro thing - All the kids have soap stuffed in thier mouths from saying "Holy Shit!" when they see the thing. Not bad.

• Lay's - Old people fight over a bag of Lay's, because they are so damn crispy now. Yawn.

• CBS March Madness promo - Samuel Jackson talking about French Lick and Larry Bird. It ain't Don Cheadle's NFL playoff commercials (which are excellent), and it's kind of a ripoff of that, but always love Sam Jackson.

• AOL - American Choppers again. Again, if I watched the show, maybe I'd think this was funny.

• Damn! Hell of a touchdown for the Panthers. Good work, Cajun Man!

• CBS promo - There's nothing on CBS I ever watch. Survivor? No thanks. CSI? I don't think so. I don't even watch Everybody Loves Raymond, and I hear that's not bad.

• Touchdown Pats! Here's the extra point ... good snap, Brian. Kick is good.

• Damn, Panthers aren't done yet. 6 seconds and they're on the Pats' 32. Kick is good!

• OK, it's halftime, which usually means most of the interesting commercials are done, so I'm going to wrap this up. If I see anything in the second half that's new and interesting, I'll amend the post. My favorite of the first half - Pepsi / iTunes, followed by Monster.com and alien FedEx. Lamest? I'll say the McDonald's "grease makes me horny" spot.

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